All right, listen up. I’m only gonna say this once.
Scratch that. That’s not a very good way to start. But, you see, today I’ve got something to say. It’s profound, clever, important, and substantial. I just want to make sure everyone is paying attention. It’s golden.
Turn off the TV. Put down your phone. You might want to sit down for this.
I just want to make sure I have your undivided attention.
Maybe before you start, you should go over to the junk drawer and take out a pair of scissors. You’re going to want to cut this out and save it. Maybe put it on the refrigerator for everyone to see. I promise, it’s that good. You’re gonna wanna show it off to everyone.
You can take pride in this, too. Maybe you’re a faithful reader. Maybe you’re a casual reader. Maybe this is your first time picking up this column. No matter. Whatever fits, you’re gonna be glad that you picked up this paper on this day. You’ll remember this day for years to come. Maybe forever. The rest of your life.
You’ll want to pass it down to your children and your grandchildren. Probably gonna laminate it. Make copies. Put it in your Christmas cards. Mail it to a friend.
You’ll probably want to bring it up at the coffee shop or your civic club. You could build a whole program out of it.
It is so good that if you’re musically inclined, you’ll wanna set it to music. Sing it in the shower. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if somebody uses it as the basis for an Academy Award-winning movie. Maybe a documentary.
There will be a tourism boost with bus loads of people stopping by. This is where he wrote it. There’s the chair he sat in when he wrote it. My barber will probably be selling locks of my hair on eBay.
I know this sounds like fantasies of grandeur, but I assure you, it is right up there with the best. You’ll see it along with the likes of Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain. It will surely be an answer on Jeopardy and a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune. Might even make it into a crossword puzzle.
It’s the kind of thing that has legs. The talk shows will have week-long discussions about it. It’s a game changer.
I just thought of it out of the blue like an epiphany. It’s the best thing I ever came up with or ever will come up with. I don’t know if it’s Nobel Peace Prize worthy, but we’ll see.
OK. Are you ready? Without further ado. Drum roll, please.
Uh-oh.
I forgot what I was going to say.
Dang it. I hate when that happens. I knew I should have written it down.
Fifty is nifty, but 60 is forget-y.
Oh, well. Maybe next week.
© Copyright 2025 by
David Porter, who can be reached at presseditor1@gmail.com. Sometimes, the best thing you can say is nothing, so I achieved that this week.